DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS SATIRE. TREAT IT AS SUCH.
Dan Jira ‘16
Ah, snow days: those mini breaks in the middle of the week that remind you how much you don’t like to come to school. As my granddad, and maybe yours as well, has told me many times, “Back when I was a kid we had to walk through the snow. Uphill both ways.” Well luckily for us, we don’t have to, because the current school administrations think that children all around Northeast Ohio are weak. Normally, we would have a problem with that; however if that means no school, you can call us whatever you want. Throughout many years of rigorous research, trial, error, and blatant ignorance, humanity has finally developed a sure-fire way to ensure a snow day.
Below, we have assembled a list of how to acquire a snow day when there is no snow on the ground, and, below that, what to do if there is already snow. Note: all steps must be taken or you may end up with a six-day school week. We don’t know how it works, but our leading researcher told me “It is just science that you wouldn’t understand.”
Parents and other non-believers may see the following steps as weird, dangerous, or sacrilegious. In addition, some steps may require some capacity of common sense. Most importantly, do not consume or utilize the infamous yellow snow. However we assure you that when carried out correctly, our methods are 100% effective (and recommended by four out of five dentists).
IF SNOW IS IN THE FORECAST:
- The traditional inside out pajamas. We mean everything. If they aren’t inside out, it won’t work. Remember. Science.
- The just as traditional, however less known, flush 6-10 ice cubes down the toilet.
- Eat 1 mug of ice cream. We are not necessarily sure if this is needed to complete the process, or is just something that our researcher does, but he did it the night before this worked. Besides, it just gives you an excuse to eat ice cream.
- Place a table spoon that has been used to stir a cup of hot chocolate under your bottommost pillow. This method is a recent development from our researchers, and has been proven to grant snow days.
- Finally, tweet Mark Johnson (@MarkJWeather) and kindly ask him for a snow day. Niceness is key as awakening his wrath has been known to result in natural disasters.
IF SNOW HAS ALREADY STARTED FALLING:
- Using an icicle, acquire 2 cups of snow from the neighbor’s kid’s snowman. We recommend that this be done in the cover of darkness, which you should have enough of in the winter.
Note: if there is more than one snowman in the neighborhood, the sum of total snow taken from all the neighborhood snowmen must equal 2 cups.
2 snowmen = 1 cup each
3 snowmen = .666 cup each
4 snowmen = 1/2cup each
- Put the snow in a pot on your stove.
- Bring the snow-water to a boil.
- As it begins to boil, add 1 tablespoon of rock salt.
- Add 1 cup of blood from a goat freshly sacrificed in your basement.
- Stir slowly for 30 seconds.
- Turn off heat and let cool.
- Pour into paint can.
- Use the mixture to paint an X on the belly of each neighborhood snowman that you originally took snow from.
After you have followed the necessary steps for the current day, we recommend that you do not do any of your homework. You just gave yourself a snow day! Why would you need to do your homework?! Penultimately, go to bed. Last but not least, wake up the next morning around 10am, look at your phone, and realize that today is Saturday.